How to start feeling like a better mum
Before I start this I want you to know you are an awesome mum.
Feeling like a rubbish mum is the worst. I see you. Know you are not alone.
And if you have a voice in your head saying ‘you don’t know what I’m really like’, or ‘I lose it with my kids to much’, or ‘I hate role playing with them’, or ‘I can’t be arsed to make them eat vegetables’, or ‘you don’t know how much screen time they really have’…how can I be a good mum?
You are still an awesome mum.
It can feel hard to hear and accept that. I know, I find it hard too.
Even though I know that the perfect mum doesn't exist, and that it is all part of our culture's idealisation of being a mum. I still try to be perfect at it. This is all to do with the way my subconscious has stored my experiences growing up and the messages from the world.
It’s the same for you. The way your culture and family talked about and behaved and expected motherhood to be will be programmed into you as the ‘right’ way to be.
Sometimes that doesn’t match how you feel or your lived experience of being a mum. Which feels confusing and conflicting.
When you’re pregnant or you have a tiny new baby, suddenly everyone starts saying ‘trust your instincts’, or ‘you’ll just know’ 🤷♀️. Most of us don’t get the message programmed into us that we are the right person for our child(ren) or get to practise listening to out instincts.
The good news is that none of this is your fault and you can change this old programming if you want to.
The Good Enough Mum
People often talk about being a good enough mum. I totally agree with this and my conscious brain is like, yeah of course. The problem is that It’s not how most of us were brought up.
It's not how any other part of life works.
No one ever said ‘be a good enough little girl.’ No one ever said ‘do a good enough job then we’ll promote you.’ You don’t go out and think I'll get a good enough meal or a good enough new outfit.
Perhaps you end up with good enough or mediocre, but we aim for more.
So even if you know that you only need to be good enough, your subconscious (the bit of you that has been programmed by a life time of messages about being good and perfect) is screaming at you ‘that’s not enough’
What can you do about this?
Instead of being good enough, I focus on being the best mum for my children.
This helps me focus on my strengths as a mum and interrupts the pattern of focusing on the negative stuff. (This helps my subconscious is able to start creating a new story)
Try saying this a few times, and see if you can reach for it next time you hear your inner bad mum voice berating you.
I am the best mum for my kids
Being a mum is a rollercoaster of emotions and feelings (because we are humans!)
Lots of us don’t understand our own emotions and feelings, yet we’re expected to hold and understand our child(rens).
Imagine if we all had to do a course on understanding our emotions before we had our children? (Maybe you did, if so please tell me where!)
I didn’t and it is a steep learning curve.
For me the roller coaster feeling comes from trying to simultaneously try and navigate your own emotions as a mum and the emotions of your child(ren), and possibly your partner, parents, siblings, friends and strangers on the street.
One minute you're climbing up a steep and steady slope, the top not even in sight. Other times you’re flying full speed holding on for dear life, the wind so loud you can’t think.
I think we often feel like shit mums because there is so much taboo around many of the emotions connected to the lived experience of being a mum .
It’s acceptable and good to feel love, joy, patient, happy, content, gentle a little frustration, tired, a little fed up.
It’s considered bad and wrong to feel angry, unfulfilled, bored, upset, hate, really frustrated, incensed, annoyed, overwhelmed.
Even though we all know we feel these things to differing degrees, it's so hard not to equate this with being a bad mum. It’s made worse by the fact that we get told that we might be damaging our children, which of course speaks to out deepest fears .
You are not broken or doing anything wrong.
The world paints a different picture for us and when we don’t match the picture it’s confusing. The picture is wrong, no you.
Your feelings aren’t inherently bad, none are. So please know that we all have all the emotions and you are still the best mum for your child(ren).
If they feel disproportionate or out of control lots of the time, then that is definitely something to think about getting some support with, I did. And guess what, you’re still the best mum for your child(ren).
Also, it's important for children to see the whole range of human emotions. They do need to have any rupture repaired. So if you get cross, saying sorry when you’re calm, and talking about it is actually good for them.
When I discovered this is was so different to how I’d been brought up. It took trial and error, its a skill i had to learn, and what i wasn’t expecting was how much I’ve learnt about my own capacity for empathy and kindness.
It actually helps break this crazy cycle of being perfect and a perfect world. Which we all need.
A good book that has info on this is: The Book You Wish Your Parents had read (And Your Children will be glad that you did) , or google rupture and repair cycle.
The reality of being a mum is so complex, and doesn't follow any set path.
My brother (who doesn't have children) looked after mine recently and I mentioned that it might be hard to get them to do something (I think it was walk somewhere)
And he replied ‘I just thought they’d do what I said’
And it really stuck with me.
I used to think that.
It's not until you’re in it that you realise that they are their own people and you can’t simply mould them as you wish. They come with their own ideas, emotions and curiosity.
Of course you can shame or scare anyone into acting a certain way, but I'm guessing that you are here because you want to create a lasting and peaceful connection with your children and feel good about yourself at the same time.
Being a mum is about the relationship between you and your child(ren). It’s not trying to get them to be or behave a certain way. This shift of focus from me v.s them to a relationship has been super helpful. It’s always about the relationship. And your responsibility within this is your relationship with yourself.
We often get told to focus on our own needs, and look after ourselves, but what does that really mean?
While I know getting a break or a treat is important.
Focusing on you can go deeper, and this is where the key lies too feeling like a better mum. Being a mum opens up this amazing opportunity for self development and a chance to break cycles and patterns that may have been running for generations.
It’s a great idea to ask for what you need, but what if you’re not really sure what that is?
Perhaps taking time away from your children feels a bit scary even though you want a break.
If emotions weren’t allowed for you as a child, it can be hard to access them now.
And all of this stuff lives in your subconscious mind and within the structures we have to parent within.
Hopefully you can now see it's not all on you, lots of this was set up way before you had your kids.
I’m not sure how we change the bigger picture, there are many incredible women working on that. I do know that by getting to know yourself more, guilt free and working with your subconscious is an amazing way to support you on your parenting adventure.
The more we normalise talking about the lived experience of being mum the more we can do to change it for the good of everyone.
Did you know I offer a one off coaching sessions where we will shift whatever is in your way right now, so you can move on and stop feeling so stuck. Interested?